Case Study: Relational Obsession and Self-Psychology

Case: A woman reflects on her younger self’s intense involvement with a narcissistic man and wonders whether therapy could have helped her navigate that pattern.

1. A Self-Psychological Perspective (Kohut / Self-Psychology)

From a Self-Psychology standpoint, the goal isn’t simply to stop someone from pursuing a particular partner. Instead, therapy strengthens the self so that choices naturally align with internal needs, rather than being driven by unmet needs or repetitive relational patterns.

• Her younger self was likely using the man as a selfobject—someone to regulate self-esteem and emotional stability—rather than relating from a cohesive self.
• Therapy helps the individual recognize the pattern, tolerate feelings of longing and frustration, and gradually develop internal structures that reduce the compulsion toward unfulfilling or dramatic relationships.
• Insight alone doesn’t create change; the key is internalizing healthier self-regulation.

2. Behavioral Change in Therapy

Even with awareness, behavioral change takes time. Important considerations include:

• Awareness vs. impulse: Knowing a relationship is unhealthy doesn’t automatically stop the emotional pull.
• The emotional charge is often strongest in early adulthood.
• Therapist role: Creating conditions to explore unmet needs, strengthen self-esteem, and role-play alternatives, while the client internalizes the lessons.
• Timeline: Lasting change in relational patterns often unfolds over months or years, particularly when patterns are rooted in early attachment experiences.

3. Could Therapy “Prevent” the Pattern?

Hypothetically, yes—but with qualifications:

• If her younger self had therapy targeting selfobject deficits, helping her tolerate longing without acting destructively, the likelihood of repeating the pattern would have decreased.
• Therapy wouldn’t automatically make her avoid the person—relational choices often feel irresistible until the self is stronger.
• Think of therapy as strengthening the self’s “muscle” to resist automatic patterns, rather than providing instant immunity to attraction or drama.

4. Practical Takeaways

Effective psychotherapy would:

• Identify the unmet needs the obsession was fulfilling.
• Explore the fantasy versus reality of the other person, without judgment.
• Strengthen self-cohesion so the self remains stable even if the relationship is unavailable or destabilizing.
• Encourage relational experiments where needs can be met in healthier ways—through friends, mentors, or activities.
• Initiate awareness quickly, while actual behavioral changes often require consistent work over months or years.

Bottom line: Therapy could have helped her younger self avoid getting stuck in the pattern, but it couldn’t make the obsession instantly vanish. Self-psychologically, the focus is on building internal self-support, not “fixing” the object of desire. Over time, with targeted interventions, the compulsion to repeat the pattern naturally diminishes.